Does Cliff Richard have a Dog?

20/08/13
Uncategorized

I took a big, deep breath and logged in to look at the visitor stats for my blog. Of course my expectations were low. I’m aware that I’m not exactly JK Rowling. I’m not even Robert Galbraith before anyone knew who Robert Galbraith was. Plus there was the small matter that I hadn’t posted in an age (primarily due to lack of time, rather than lack of inclination thankfully) so there wasn’t actually anything new to read. I still hoped that I’d had a few visitors in my absence though, just so I wouldn’t go all Paranoid Patsy and decide that no-one had popped in to look at my blog cause everyone hates it. Nobody loves me. Think I’ll go eat worms.

I needn’t have worried. I’d had readers. Yes I had. Quite a healthy amount in fact. Especially for a website that hadn’t been updated for a while. People had still been visiting to read things I’d written. Yay! I felt quite chuffed. My head may even have grown a little.

And then shrunk as soon as I started looking at the terms that people had typed in to Google that had directed them to my blog.

Yes, there were searches you’d expect like ‘stacey berry black dog‘, ‘stacey berry dog blog’ and ‘stacey berry dog’ (which I hoped was a search, rather than an opinion.) I was confident that these terms were inputted in a bid to find this site. I could probably even argue it in court.

Some were a bit more debatable, like ‘girl (Stacey) get licked from a dog’, ‘stacey berry dog wash’ and ‘stacey braveheart’ (ok, ok, I know that one is quite unlikely to be linked to me but one can dream.)

Someone wanted to know ‘how to make a cup of tea that stacy won’t moan about’ which I also doubt is anything to do with me seeing as  my name isn’t spelled that way, it is rare that I drink tea and of course, I never, ever, moan.

There were a lot of other searches though that I have to accept were absolutely not from people looking for Bitten by the Dog. I was disappointed, but probably nowhere as near as the person that looked for ‘microwavable spoons and knives’ and found their way to a blog about depression, was. As would the one trying to find out ‘where does the rhyme “we must, we must, we must increase our busts come from?’

I can only apologise to the many, many people looking for websites concerning ‘friends with benefits’. This is basically an online diary about my mental health issues, sex doesn’t feature much on here (it doesn’t feature much anywhere at the moment for that matter.) You won’t have found any advice on what to do if ‘he doesn’t even want to be friends with benefits’, ‘how to deal with bumping into a friend with benefits’ or support when ‘friend with benefits hasn’t called all day’ (call me old-fashioned but I would have thought that was one of the benefits?)

I’m also sorry for those trying to get help for dog-related matters. I wouldn’t claim to be an expert on the ‘best way to say I’m sorry my dog bit you’ but I’d probably opt for, ‘I’m sorry my dog bit you.’ My sympathies go to the person who is ‘feeling weak after being bitten by a dog’ and the other who, ‘got bit by dog next day pain’ but the good news is that there is someone out there who ‘got bit by a dog I am still alive’ so there’s a chance you may be ok.

Then there were those people that were looking for answers to questions that you’ve never thought of before but suddenly really want to know the answer to, like ‘is it ok to give dogs watermelon?’ And ‘does Cliff Richard have a dog?‘ I did meet Sir Peter Pan when I served him in an Indian restaurant but I didn’t think to ask him if he had a dog. Damn. Who cares whether he wanted poppadoms – that wouldn’t win me any prizes in a pub quiz. I suddenly wanted to know.

And I suddenly found out how frustrating it is to be sent to a website that doesn’t give you the answer you are looking for, even though it may feature all the words you’ve searched for. I ended up on a page that is adamant that Cliff Richard has a dog, a Living Dog.

 

Got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living dog doll
Got to do my best to please her, just ’cause she’s a living doll
Cliff Richard and The Young Ones – Living Doll