How to Have Sex / BITTEN BY THE DOG

How to Have Sex

17/07/14
Coming out

Step 1

Realise it’s approaching the first anniversary of me starting Bitten by the Dog. Also realise I haven’t actually posted anything on afore-mentioned blog this year. Decide this would be the perfect time to do so.

Step 2

Cross off ‘Update BBTD at least weekly’ from my 2014 resolutions list. Wish I’d typed it so I could just press Delete. Curse myself for doing it old skool stylee. And for not owning Tippex. And for using terms like stylee.

Step 3

Decide to mark the occasion by making the dog look like a reveller. Message my brother to ask if he can draw a party hat on the dog. Was also going to see if he could put on one of those cardboard trumpet things but I couldn’t remember what they were called. Google seemed to think they were ‘blowouts’ which made sense but thought it might sound weird if I asked my brother to give the dog one.

Step 4

Refer to the internet again to see if there are rules on how you should celebrate your blog’s birthday. Start typing in ‘How to…’ and the search engine suggests that I might want to know how to make money, train my dragon, lose weight fast or have sex. All very useful (and may prevent me having to erase more resolutions) but I have an important deadline and refuse to get distracted.

Step 5

Wonder whether I should check the ‘how to have sex’ info. Just out of curiosity. Eventually decide against it. It’s been a while but surely it’s just like riding a bike?

Step 6

Start feeling anxious when I realise that there are no official instructions on celebrating your blog birthday. How on earth am I supposed to know what to do? I’ve got depression – I’m mentally disadvantaged. I can’t be coming up with idea after idea. I used up my quota with the commemorative canine suggestion.

Step 7

Decide to try thinking out the box and look at websites focusing specifically on dog birthdays to see if I can get any inspiration….

“Your puppy’s first birthday is an event worthy of celebration….throw them the coolest puppy birthday party in town.”

Er no. Maybe sites with advice on marking anniversaries?

“The one-year mark signifies that you’ve overcome the beginning stages of a relationship and you still want to be together beyond that.”

Decide to think firmly in the box in future.

Step 8

Get a reply from my brother. “Yeah, I can stick a party hat on the dog,” he informs me in a sentence he probably thought he’d never say.

At least something is going right.

Step 9

Check out what other bloggers have done on their blog birthdays.

Given it a fancy title that’s what. Blogversary. It’s my blogversary! Has a nice ring to it. I can see the tagline now…She overcame adversity to make it to her blogversary.

Oh wait…someone else reckons it’s blogoversary.

And Google wants to know ‘Did you mean: blogiversary’

Well which flipping one is it? It’s times like this I wish the Grammar Police were a real thing. Feel my stress levels rising. And then they rise some more about the fact I’m getting stressed about such a simple thing. Bloody depression. Won’t even let me be happy on my blogioblimmingversary.

Step 10

Spot an advert for some blogger accessories. Wonder if I’d find it easier to write if I was wearing a t-shirt or a tie that says “I blog therefore I am”. Or a trucker cap emblazoned with “I think therefore I blog”. I’m sure I’d look the business in that.

Probably shouldn’t get the mug that states “I blog therefore I am no longer in therapy” though. Unless I want to be ironic.

Step 11

Read through some birthday blogs and seems there are some common themes after all. You have to talk about your ‘blogging journey’. No problem. I’ve seen every series of X-Factor. It’ll be pimps (as the cool kids at school used to say for easy) to talk about my journey. I’m all over that.

You’ve to be self-congratulatory. “Join me in wishing my pretty blog a happy birthday.” “Thank you for always supporting this wonderful blog.” I’m not all over this.

You have to say how many posts you’ve written…”I wrote 61 in this first year”…do-able…”this is my 297th post”…show-off…”I posted 450 times!”…oh piss off.

And you’ve to promise to write more next year. That wouldn’t be hard.

Step 12

So I’ve got my hatted up dog and am feeling pretty confident on what to do. Just have to write the thing now.

Step 13

….Oh dear. Is there such a thing as celebrating your blog’s one year 4 months and 9 days anniversary? Nope? Better buy some Tippex.

dog2 (1)

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Lesley Gore – It’s My Party

  • nuttycow

    Welcome back :)

  • mattshaw85

    Yay! Happy blogioversary, or whatever.

  • Laurence Inwood

    Happy blog overspray (apologies for the spellcheck Stacey, although I think blog overspray has a bit of a ring to it). Like the dog’s party hat by the way. I can see a theme developing here. Sunglasses and straw hat for summer hols, a witches hat for Halloween and a Santa hat for Xmas etc… Keep your brother busy and your dog in season (sorry, that means something else doesn’t it?)
    I guess blogging is a bit like having sex. There’s lots of it at the beginning but over time it tails off. You always imagine everyone else is doing it more than you are and wonder if it means there’s something wrong with your relationship because you don’t seem to have the time or inclination to do it so frequently. You begin to worry they might start looking at other blogs.
    Well have no fear. Good blogs are like good sex. It’s not about how often you do it but the quality when you do. Just try and avoid restricting it to anniversaries only. That’s a bit of a cliche.
    Loz x

  • Matt 79

    Great to hear from you as always – great dog-hat too! I’d never heard of people saying “pimps”, but then I grew up in Norfolk so we may not have been at the cutting-edge of culture.

    P.S. The site is saying that the comments are “Sorted by Best” – I’m curious as to how it judges this!

  • Matt 79

    P.P.S. My comment is rated as the Best – yes!! (I realise that it’s probably because it’s the newest, and there aren’t any likes or dislikes yet, but I’ll ignore that for now! Also I think Laurence Inwood clearly wins on content so far.)

  • Mel

    Happy Blogirfday!? Great post, very funny as always, I was however expecting to know how to have sex after reading the post, and I’m none the wiser!!! That’s not your fault tho, I know not to judge a book by it’s cover or in this case a blog by it’s title! Step by step!? Hmph, maybe I should do this for my sex life? Maybe also get the grammer police to me! Lovin the dugs hat and Lawrence Inwoods idea, sure your bro has nothing better to do anyway!! xx p.s I remember pimps, Scottish thing maybe?

  • Carrie

    Great blog post – it’s a shame it’s not ‘pimps’ to write the posts more often because they’re hilarious! I’m also delighted to have ‘pimps’ reintroduced to my vocabulary (is it a Scottish thing do we think?!) – I’m going to make it a personal mission to teach my class this brilliant term next year :-)