Natural Prozac

17/04/13
Depression and romance

 

WHAT THE MEDICINE IS FOR
Natural Prozac is for the relief of symptoms caused by depression and being alone.

WHAT’S IN YOUR MEDICINE
The appearance of the medicine will vary. This version is 6 ft 2, fanciable and with a body you’ll want to treat yourself to.

BEFORE TAKING THIS MEDICINE
Please check the conditions are suitable before taking Natural Prozac. Your friend Dorte may be defensive on your behalf and say that if the medicine isn’t prepared to deal with you at your worst, then it shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy you at your best. You can assure her that you tried to end your relationship with the medicine before it had even properly started, but that it informed you that it’s not your decision to make, and if it wants to stick around and support you through your depression, then it bloody well shall.

HOW TO USE IT
Take as often as necessary and possible. Suitable for oral use. Do not chew.

WHAT IT DOES
It will make you feel good by visiting you in Manchester. It will wine and dine you. It will take you away to spend nights in hotels. It will repeatedly  tell you how amazing you are. It will thank you for helping it get through a particularly crap time in its own life and for making things better. It will message you to say that it is ‘head over heals’ about you.

You will be glad, that for once, it isn’t all about your dramas, and that despite your own issues you are able to make someone else happy. You will feel like a good person so you will refrain from pointing out that it should actually be ‘heels.’ Even if you have to sit on your hands.

Friends and family will also notice pleasant effects. Your friend Amanda will say that she likes this new medicine for looking after you, and that just like the Labrinth song, the medicine seems to want to see what is underneath and get to know all of you.

Your dad will say that you seem to have your mojo back. You will probably wonder where he has picked up such an expression.

Your friend’s two year old will jump up and down and say ‘Yay!’ when her mum tells her that you have met a nice, new medicine.

David Walliams will say that he only felt suicidal when he was alone, with no support, but that now he is married he realises how helpful this type of medication can be. He probably won’t actually say it to you. Unless you are his friend of course. He’ll  just mention it while being interviewed on Jonathan Ross.

UNWANTED SIDE-EFFECTS
Taking Natural Prozac may make you more argumentative. When the medicine sends you a message to say that it is going to be having pasta for dinner, you will have a mini-panic that by knowing so much about you, so early on, you have reached the ‘mundane chat’ stage prematurely. You will tell the medicine that you still want to be wooed and that pasta is not allowed to be mentioned in any future conversations. The medicine will ignore you and get around this rule by calling it the ‘p word.’ You then won’t know whether the medicine is referring to pasta or the other banned term – panties.

The medicine will kick your arse at ten-pin bowling even though you used to be in a team, so in theory, should be good. And despite the fact the medicine doesn’t even put the correct fingers in the ball.

It will also take you make you watch Les Miserables at the cinema. If you hated musicals before, then this medication will not change that. You will be so bored and fidgety, and will sigh and look at your watch so many times praying for the torture to finally end, that the Natural Prozac will wish it had gone with someone else.

This medicine will NOT cause drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery or drive while on this medication.

WARNINGS
In the event your course of Natural Prozac ends suddenly, and unexpectedly, and completely without warning or a valid reason, seek immediate advice from your friends.

They will support you through any unwanted symptoms experienced from stopping the medicine and will assure you that the negative effects will not last. They will say that it was probably a placebo anyway. They will also confess that while this type of medication did admittedly have some positive effects, they didn’t actually think this particular brand was suitable for you anyway.

They will say that the right medicine, the most compatible, the most amazing drug that will make you feel better and happier than you ever have before, is probably just around the corner. And that even if it isn’t, they’ll remind you how much fun it is finding out.

I’m gonna climb on top of your ivory tower
I’ll hold your hand and then we’ll jump right out
We’ll be falling, falling, but that’s OK
‘Cause I’ll be right here
Labrinth feat. Emeli Sandé – Beneath Your Beautiful